The Problem with 'Boys Will Be Boys'

gettingahealthybody:

For months, every morning when my daughter was in preschool, I watched her construct an elaborate castle out of blocks, colorful plastic discs, bits of rope, ribbons and feathers, only to have the same little boy gleefully destroy it within seconds of its completion.

No matter how many times he did it, his parents never swooped in BEFORE the morning’s live 3-D reenactment of “Invasion of AstroMonster.” This is what they’d say repeatedly:

“You know! Boys will be boys!” 

“He’s just going through a phase!”

“He’s such a boy! He LOVES destroying things!”

“Oh my god! Girls and boys are SO different!”

“He. Just. Can’t. Help himself!”

I tried to teach my daughter how to stop this from happening. She asked him politely not to do it. We talked about some things she might do. She moved where she built. She stood in his way. She built a stronger foundation to the castle, so that, if he did get to it, she wouldn’t have to rebuild the whole thing. In the meantime, I imagine his parents thinking, “What red-blooded boy wouldn’t knock it down?”

She built a beautiful, glittery castle in a public space.

It was so tempting.

He just couldn’t control himself and, being a boy, had violent inclinations.

She had to keep her building safe.

Her consent didn’t matter. Besides, it’s not like she made a big fuss when he knocked it down. It wasn’t a “legitimate” knocking over if she didn’t throw a tantrum.

His desire — for power, destruction, control, whatever- - was understandable.

Maybe she “shouldn’t have gone to preschool” at all. OR, better if she just kept her building activities to home.

I know it’s a lurid metaphor, but I taught my daughter the preschool block precursor of don’t “get raped” and this child, Boy #1, did not learn the preschool equivalent of “don’t rape.”

Not once did his parents talk to him about invading another person’s space and claiming for his own purposes something that was not his to claim. Respect for her and her work and words was not something he was learning.  How much of the boy’s behavior in coming years would be excused in these ways, be calibrated to meet these expectations and enforce the “rules” his parents kept repeating?

There was another boy who, similarly, decided to knock down her castle one day. When he did it his mother took him in hand, explained to him that it was not his to destroy, asked him how he thought my daughter felt after working so hard on her building and walked over with him so he could apologize. That probably wasn’t much fun for him, but he did not do it again.

There was a third child. He was really smart. He asked if he could knock her building down. She, beneficent ruler of all pre-circle-time castle construction, said yes… but only after she was done building it and said it was OK. They worked out a plan together and eventually he started building things with her and they would both knock the thing down with unadulterated joy. You can’t make this stuff up.

Take each of these three boys and consider what he might do when he’s older, say, at college, drunk at a party, mad at an ex-girlfriend who rebuffs him and uses words that she expects will be meaningful and respecte, “No, I don’t want to. Stop. Leave.”

The “overarching attitudinal characteristic” of abusive men is entitlement

This is so brilliant. We learn things from socialization process. What our parents, friends and peers do, media and all. I think perhaps rape is because parents think boys will be boys, they bully, fight and destroy things, it’s their characteristics so they don’t bother to stop them. But it manifests in them, knowing or unknowingly, they will just think, because I’m a boy and boys tend to do these, so it doesn’t matter even if the girl hates it, says no, because I’m a boy.

Just reblog this, this message is really powerful. For parents and future parents.

(via stalksships)

Source: lastlifeinuniverse

library-of-a-madman: This is Link’s favorite soup, and pretty much the best consumable in the game because it heals both your life and magic bars and doubles Link’s attack power. Goes to show, even in the enigmatic world of Hyrule, there’s nothing like your Grandma’s cooking!    Ingredients:1lb Yellow Squash, chopped6 tbsp Butter2 Turnips, peeled and chopped2 Carrots, chopped1/4 Cup Cauliflower, chopped1 medium Yellow Onion, chopped4 tbs. Lemon Juice4 Cups Chicken Broth (or Veggie Broth if vegetarian)3 Garlic Cloves, minced or chopped fine1 Yellow Chile, de-seeded and chopped (optional)Salt and Pepper to tasteChives or Green Onions, chopped fineDirections:Melt the butter in a large pot over medium-low heat, cook the yellow onion and garlic until softened, around 8-10 minutes. Add the squash, carrots, cauliflower, turnip, lemon juice, chile (if using) and half of the broth and bring to a boil. Reduce heat, then simmer, until vegetables are very tender, about 20 minutes. Remove from the heat and let cool for about 10 minutes or until soup won’t burn you. Puree the soup in a blender or food processor until smooth (be careful with hot liquids) and transfer to the cleaned or a new pot. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Simmer on low until you serve, adding more broth until desired consistency. Put in your serving vessel (preferably a corked glass bottle) and add the copped chives or green onions to the surface of the soup for garnish. Drink it with a smile!  
View Separately

library-of-a-madman:

This is Link’s favorite soup, and pretty much the best consumable in the game because it heals both your life and magic bars and doubles Link’s attack power. Goes to show, even in the enigmatic world of Hyrule, there’s nothing like your Grandma’s cooking! 

 

Ingredients:

1lb Yellow Squash, chopped

6 tbsp Butter

2 Turnips, peeled and chopped

2 Carrots, chopped

1/4 Cup Cauliflower, chopped

1 medium Yellow Onion, chopped

4 tbs. Lemon Juice

4 Cups Chicken Broth (or Veggie Broth if vegetarian)

3 Garlic Cloves, minced or chopped fine

1 Yellow Chile, de-seeded and chopped (optional)

Salt and Pepper to taste

Chives or Green Onions, chopped fine


Directions:
Melt the butter in a large pot over medium-low heat, cook the yellow onion and garlic until softened, around 8-10 minutes. Add the squash, carrots, cauliflower, turnip, lemon juice, chile (if using) and half of the broth and bring to a boil. Reduce heat, then simmer, until vegetables are very tender, about 20 minutes. Remove from the heat and let cool for about 10 minutes or until soup won’t burn you. Puree the soup in a blender or food processor until smooth (be careful with hot liquids) and transfer to the cleaned or a new pot. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Simmer on low until you serve, adding more broth until desired consistency. Put in your serving vessel (preferably a corked glass bottle) and add the copped chives or green onions to the surface of the soup for garnish. Drink it with a smile!

 

(via grassbuddy)

Source: library-of-a-madman